Peanut butter cures cancer!

Original article here.

New research suggests that eating peanut butter could help reduce a woman's risk of developing breast cancer.

Teenage girls who eat peanut butter twice a week were found to reduce their risk of breast cancer by 39%.

Similarly, girls who ate peanut butter four times a week were found to reduce their risk of breast cancer by 78%, while girls who had a bath in a gallon of peanut butter each night reduced that likelihood by 87%. Based on this evidence, scientists have suggested that filling your bra with peanut butter each day could help cure breast cancer entirely.

"Of course," admitted one scientist, "you could just stop drinking alcohol, seeing as one unit a day increases your risk of developing breast cancer by 6%. That might help."

"I'm today's comedy racist" says Gawain Towler

Gawain Towler, chief press officer for UKIP and fucking terrible human being.

Gawain Towler, the chief press officer for UKIP, was forced to apologise yesterday after referring to a journalist as "some form of ethnic extraction" in a text he accidentally sent to the wrong person. 

In a statement to the Evening Standard Gawain Towler said, "if in any way Kiran is upset, I'm terribly sorry." Towler went on to say, "I'm finding this absolutely absurd because it is evidently alien to who I am and what I am. Some people will see racism wherever they wish to find it. That does not make it so." He added, "I'm today's comedy racist."

With his comments Gawain Towler almost certainly wins the top spot for comedy racist over favourites like Donald Trump, Godfrey Bloom, and Viv Lewis.

Donald Trump, best known for wearing a dead squirrel on his head.

Donald Trump is of course famous for demanding Barack Obama release his long-form birth certificate during last year's election because there are no black people born in America, while Godfrey Bloom has been in the press most recently for referring to Africa as 'bongo-bongo land' and hitting Michael Crick over the head and calling him a 'racist' before running off down the street.

Godfrey Bloom, your embarrassing old racist grandfather who is somehow allowed to go around influencing politics.

UKIP Councillor Viv Lewis, in a classic example of comedy racism, said in a TV interview last week, "I have been to the West Indies. I have sampled their hospitality. I like coloured people."

 Out of all these comments, however, I believe Mr. Gawain Towler is most deserving of the award for today's comedy racist, especially as he tried to defend his comments by telling reporters his wife is Indian. 

Gawain Towler said his comments weren't racist because his wife is Indian, like how Robin Thicke said he's a feminist because he's married to a woman. If that isn't funny, I don't know what is.

The Benefits of Climate Change, According to Owen Paterson

Owen Paterson, Secretary of State for Environment, Food, and Rural Affairs standing in a field of cows.

Speaking at a Conservative party conference on Sunday, Secretary of State for Environment Owen Paterson, who attended the National Leathersellers College and as such is fully qualified to comment on climate change, very rightly identified the many benefits that come from global warming. "People get very emotional about this subject and I think we should just accept that the climate has been changing for centuries," he said. "Remember that for humans, the biggest death is cold in winter, far bigger than heat in summer. It would also lead to longer growing seasons and you could extend growing a little further north in some of the colder areas."

Paterson added, "I think the relief of this latest report is that is shows a really quite modest increase, half of which has already happened. They are talking one to two-and-a-half degrees."

In his speech Owen Paterson missed out on many other benefits of global warming, however; for example, the increased variability in weather could lead to more conversation topics in Britain. Scientists have previously found that thunderstorms, tornadoes, droughts, and forest fires may all be on the rise as a result of climate change, and most of us would agree that talking about the 'frightful fire tornado that tore through London yesterday' is a far more interesting topic to be had over tea and biscuits than 'isn't it wet'.

During the Great Kanto Earthquake in 1923 a fire tornado killed 38,000 people in 15 minutes. 

Climate change could also lead to an increase in jobs in the construction industry and rescue services. For example, the flash floods in Colorado this past month have seen the destruction of 1,800 homes, 200 miles of road, and 50 bridges. Sandra Pastel of the National Geographic believes that climate change could have contributed to the severity of the floods, as the long-term drought in Colorado would have led to hardening of the soil, which means less water would be absorbed into the ground. With the total cost of re-building estimated at $760 million, what many see as a tragedy could lead to the creation of many new jobs. Similarly, if the Thames were to overflow and destroy thousands of homes, new construction projects could help solve the unemployment problem in Britain. While critics may view the people killed as a result of this tragedy a drawback, as Owen Paterson very rightly points out, if it's happening anyway why make any effort to stop it?